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I'm Nikki. I'm 24 years old and I already feel like life has gone by way too fast. I have wanted to start this blog for quite some time, but never knew where to begin. Even more so, I would overwhelm myself with the millions of ideas floating around in my head to the point where I would simply give up on trying to tame them. But lately, hearing about all of this cruel violence in our world has made me really start to think about how your life can be over in an instant. You never know which day might be your last, and that thought alone is completely terrifying.
Now, I'm not trying to be morbid here. I just think that as humans, we often believe our days are limitless, and that we have the rest of our lives to keep putting off what we really should be doing right now.
These were the thoughts that drove me to finally start writing this blog, particularly out of fear. The fear of one day looking back and realizing I never had the chance to tell my stories, share my advice, and maybe help someone out there who could use the comfort of words as a reminder that they're not alone in this world. I could not imagine my life coming to an end, and realizing I never pushed myself to release my words into this universe - in a society that could use some light, hope, and inspiration. So, right now is the perfect time to do so.
LET ME START FROM THE BEGINNING
I grew up in a small town just outside of Boston. Although our family sat comfortably, I still call our house a broken home for many reasons. My mom has bi-polar disorder and also suffers from drug addition. This greatly impacted my life, my decisions, and my entire being. Luckily, I had a more normal father, but when he and my mom were still together, their fights turned into battles, ending with the cops often being called, and me, alone in the crossfire since my two older sisters no longer lived at home.
Weekends always had some type of intense drama, and Monday mornings when I was in high school I would be called down to the Guidance Office to "ensure I was okay." Besides my heart being broken fight after fight, I typically was somewhat okay, and this was for two reasons:
1. I used going to dance class, focusing on school work, and hanging out with friends as a distraction from my parents' turmoil
2. My sisters, Melissa and Krissy, are like my guardian angels. We have been there for each other through it all, and they both practically raised me. We have created a bond that I am grateful for every single day that passes. I sincerely don't know where I would be without them.
Melissa, Krissy, and I never had it easy growing up. Of course, life could've been worse (it can always be worse), but for the most part - we lived through a lot of fucked up shit. A majority of my posts will reflect on said-shit...so, more on that later. Luckily, the three of us used our experiences to learn what NOT to do from them. None of us ended up like our mother, and we all live pretty stable lives at this point, but nevertheless, we will always be scarred from our pasts, never fully healed.
MY ANXIETY
It's not the kind that makes me want to trap myself in my house, nor is it the kind that makes life unbearable. But, it is the kind that makes life very difficult, especially on my worst days. My mind is constantly tortured by worries and fears, both real and irrational, and I overthink EVERYTHING. Sometimes I get lost in my own head and it can feel like I'm drowning. I am pretty much my own worst enemy.
A lot of my anxiety stems from growing up in such an unstable environment. In college, I wrote this paper about my mom always being in and out of rehab. This paper actually ended up teaching me a lot about my anxiety. All of those times I had to say goodbye to her, always worrying about where she was, if she would ever get better, and if she was coming home soon. My mind was never truly at rest because of my mom. Watching my parents fight for all those years didn't help either. Despite my best efforts, my little trust in relationships is because I've only seen them fall apart, implode, and end in destruction.
As I got older, my anxiety became worse. It sometimes interferes with my daily life, although the intensity and my mindset seems to change day-by-day. I have low self-esteem, but I do have days where I am strong. There are days where I question everything - my career goals, the choices I've made, and if I'm going to have a happy future. Then there are days where I feel confident that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. It's exhausting.
It's like a constant struggle in my brain to just truly believe that everything is going to be okay.
LOVE
I was in a relationship just shy of 5 years long. I loved with all my heart, but found out the hard way just how blind love truly can be. And after all those years of ups and downs, I somehow found the strength to walk away, although it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
When you're in love, the real kind, you will do anything for that person. This is both a blessing and a curse. You get caught up in the relationship, it becomes all you know, and that person becomes your entire world.
For me, this guy was my world and of course we had some amazing moments that I'll never forget, but we also had darker times. I didn't realize while I was living in those moments just how wrong it was for him to be calling me names, putting me down, and making me feel worthless. The excuse was always that he didn't mean it... he also had anxiety and some form of bi-polar so I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. But I shouldn't have as many times as I did. Emotional abuse can scar you, leaving deep cuts never to be forgotten.
However, I have found, that once you let go of the negative, no matter how hard it may be, you will be on a better path to happiness and real love. The kind that could never imagine causing you pain, physically or mentally.
ME
In spite of all my traumatic experiences and anxieties, I am just a 24 year old woman. I am an avid sports fan and I love rooting for my Boston teams, especially my Red Sox! I also bake yummy desserts, but I am still a health nut, and I love fitness and running. I just recently started traveling and it's the best decision I ever made - there is a lot of world out there for us to see! Life is too short to not explore. I also started doing on-air work, despite the anxiety it gives me. I appeared on an episode of NESN's Wicked Bites TV and have also been a co-host of the Red Sox segment on Dirty Water Sports.
I also love metal music, art, dancing, and going on adventures.
If anyone can learn anything from this blog, I would want it to be that even in the darkest of moments, we can always find happiness.